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No fap journey




I've been in nofap for a while now and I have seen the benefits, it's worth doing, but lately, I noticed that my head is crowded with sexual thoughts a lot, I've been able to continue nofap for long periods of time but this time is different. Since after a bit of experience my willpower has risen significantly but, the thought of watching old videos again is too strong...
For the past week watching or listening porn podcasts have been common for me, and last night and today morning I masturbated !
Tbh I'm not feeling guilty but it was not so pleasurable as well, I'm once you you're doing something you shouldn't, you don't enjoy it fully, a part of your brain keeps telling yourself you shouldn't do it and keeps nagging, anyhoo!
It all started with seeing a story of beerbiceps a few days ago he posted how, his podcast trs, became the no.1 on spotify's list,  and there he wrote a caption " we beat savita bhabhi to become no.1"
At first I laughed my reaction was" ppl listen all this!"
I've never listened to porn before, I wondered how it could be... but the thought was dismissed soon maybe because I was in a good mood, my nofap streak was going exceptionally well and everything was fine!
After a few days I got symtoms of cold, now at this time of pandemic I was sure that i was not infected also i was sure that I'll recover soon, cause I was on nofap, I've seen in a video where the guy talks about how healing powers of body rejuvenates and revitalizes the body on nofap! But because of it I became lazy and stopped my disciplines and habits that have kept me going for so long.

I was recovering well, when i noticed that lately I've been  getting a lot of urges, and also had a nightfall! That only happens when there is accumulated heat or there are subconscious sexual thoughts proliferating.
Around this time i realised that I have  not listened to any porn yet! When I used to fap, I was into savita bhabhi comics, I thought they encapsulate the essence of a young boys fantasy( designers have done a great job in choosing the body type of the protagonist)

So in the middle of the night when I was getting bored I searched for the page and found it. To my dismay it was not based on the original character, never the less it was fine! All it had was a girl, sharing her intimate stories with the audience. Quite cheesy at first , I started enjoying as the story progressed and listened to 2-3 stories! 
The night continued I felt tired and I slept, my streak was on point till then! Later in the day I had and urge to listen again, i decided that I'll only listen to such stuff at night before sleeping ( the most convenient and dangerous time to train the subconscious! Not a good idea.)
Nevertheless the I listened a few more days,  the good thing about audio porn is that it excites you but not enough for you to get up and fap! It's a nice tease and good pass time if you're on the bed, just waiting to fall asleep. 
Just like that, I listened to some time and go to sleep! But today was different I still was unable to sleep! I was lying there on my bed when a flash of some porn I saw awhile ago came to picture! It was the second time in the lockdown that I had fapped, and that video was the reason!( 1st time I did it when pornhub was made free, I browsed to see if paid porn was better than the free ones)
I lied there thinking about it and dismissed the thought!
Next night again it happened, this time I wanted to watch it!
It was like I'm missing a friend and I wanted to see them, the urge became disturbing and I reached out my phone to search for it. I knew what to type and in few seconds I was on the homepage of the uploader!
I've noticed 1 thing that when you logon to find a specific video, it becomes near impossible to find it on the go! The algorithm somehow knows wht he's looking for and purposely don't get it!
But after some scrolling I finally reached to video  I was looking for! I watched it was still fine I enjoyed! But I was hellbent on not fapping ! I was already aroused by watching clips of other videos and now it was tough to control my self! Fortunately the video was short and I made it! Which gave my the confidence to watch more! Similarly I found a few more interesting videos and of models in wanted! And I fine video turned out to be so hot that i was loaded uptill the base of my dick! 1min of stroking and I'm done! I realised I was loaded so much that I can't go back to stage 1!
 I decided to fap! 
I rushed to the bathroom and deed was done! I felt relieved and light! No guilt had arrived yet but I knew it was coming!
I came to my bed again, more tired now! And started thinking what ifs. What if I slept early this wouldn't have happened,  maybe I should delete the VPN app,  maybe this maybe that! In conclusion I deleted the app and swore to make it hard for me  to fap(no pun intend)

A few days later the cycle repeat 
Flash from a video I once saw- trying to find it- getting aroused in the process- fapping to the same video or another.
On 1 hand I'm following all the good habits that's supposed to help me with my cravings and on the other I'm also falling in this rut! It's so complicated. 

Some reasons,  why it happened :-

When the breathing is not normal and/or deep, the sexual energy gets trapped in either head, giving the sexual thoughts and in my case the previous porn flashes

Nofap is a tough discipline and a set of habits are needed to follow it, if we fall from it even for some time, it'll creep up and show in unexpected way, like wondering about audio porn and wanting to experience it, days later at night when there was no such stimuli!

Also this happens only in night when I'm alone,bored and vulnerable 

It all starts with a " let me watch it once, I won't fap" or " let's see how it is and experience it" dont fall for it,  you have enough experience with all the porn in the world 

You underestimate your self control, I thought I'll just watch it once and come back and sleep, this will just be a walk on the memory lane, what was I thinking?!

Your disciplines help you in staying out of this rut and never leave them! My habits fell weak and so did I.

Right now I'm not using any willpower to nofap and I'm going to focus on my disciplines only, hoping the flashes to stop.
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